Anxiety Erica // Self Love Jamz

For the past few weeks, I’ve come to realize how important music is to my healing. To growing, and to emotionally exploring.

Wherever I am, I’m usually listening to music. Whether it’s in the car, in my apartment, or at work, I’m tuning into some sweet jams that speak to my soul.

Life is full of different – albeit unpredictable – chapters and we tend to listen to different music based on what stage of life we are in. For example, post-breakup I tend to listen to a lot of empowering, emotional and inspiring music to build myself up. As a rule, I do tend to listen to that music a lot, but during times like this it’s more frequent.

That doesn’t mean you can’t listen to an incredibly sad song when you’re happy as fuck, or a really angsty song when you have nothing to be angsty about. You do you. 

I’ve always said that you can tell how a person thinks by what they focus on when hearing a song. For me, I focus on the words. Sometimes, I can get addicted to a sick beat – I realize I’m not cool enough to say phrases like that but also I don’t care – but mostly, it’s the lyrics that get me going.

For others, it might be the melody or instruments, but I find that my heart seeks out certain words, lines or refrains in a great, emotional song.

In the past, I created an Anxiety Playlist, which has a healthy combination of lyrics and just music. From time to time, I do go back and listen when my anxiety spikes. More recently, I’ve been creating another playlist.

What’s funny is that it started out as a post-breakup playlist to get me past all of the anger I have, but it’s morphed into more. I entitled it Self-Love Jamz because that’s exactly what they are. They are a wide range – I like all kinds of music, man – and each one has a purpose.

I thought I would share a few of my favorites, and the specific lines that mean the most to me. Here we go.

Free to Fly, Betty Who

I lost my identity, I was wrapped in you, it was absolute
Now I’m finally seeing, yeah
That I’m a brand new queen, I don’t have to ask, I’m the quarterback
Of my own damn team, yeah

When I hear this song, I will forever be brought straight back to discovering it with my best friend. We had just jumped back into my car from being out in the pouring rain, and I randomly tapped on this song. Just so everyone is clear, Betty Who is a goddess. Listen to her everyday, all the time. I do.

That one moment hearing her empowering words of self-discovery was everything. Realizing that I have my own identity outside of a relationship, and it’s time to get back to that was much needed. Plus, jamming in the car with my very best friend while she came to visit was a major plus.

Best Thing I Never Had, Beyoncé

I wanted you bad
I’m so through with that
‘Cause honestly you turned out to be the
Best thing I never had
You turned out to be the
Best thing I never had
And I’m gon’ always be the best thing you never had

Without fail, this song seems to pop up when I’ve had my heart broken. And every time, it changes my perspective. It always reaches into the depths of my soul, and pulls out the confidence I always keep locked up.

I have been through three breakups, and all of them have certainly been the best thing I never had. Every time I get some space from the hurt, I realize just how much I wanted them at the time – and how much I benefited from not having them around anymore.

Dear No One, Tori Kelly

So if you’re out there I swear to be good to you
But I’m done lookin’, for my future someone (oooh)
Cause when the time is right
You’ll be here, but for now
Dear no one, this is your love song

This one took me awhile to understand, but I think I finally get it. Everyone always says, “the right person comes when you aren’t looking for it.” Commence the eyeroll. But, they are right in a sense.

For me, I’ve learned that I’m done searching for someone. It’s time to work on trusting myself, and being the best Erica. That’s more important and like the song says, when the time is right, they will be here. Dear no one, I’ll be ready for you when I’m ready. 

Dancing On My Own, Robyn 

I’m in the corner, watching you kiss her, oh oh oh
I’m right over here, why can’t you see me, oh oh oh
And I’m giving it my all, but I’m not the guy you’re taking home, ooh
I keep dancing on my own

Okay, so the lyrics of this song don’t exactly apply to me, but it’s the feeling that I connect with most. When I hear this song, it feels like being young, 20-something, and lost when it comes to love. I also think of the scene in Girls where Hannah and Marnie just dance in Hannah’s room to this song, no fears. Nothing stopping them. I’m even getting emotional thinking of the scene, because the first time I watched it, I really understood it.

Just the single refrain, I keep dancing on my own, means something. It means that bad days will come. Breakups will happen, but I’ll keep dancing on my own. I’ll keep going. Unafraid of what’s to come.

Body Of My Own, Charli XCX

Lights out
On my own
Got my darkness
I’m into myself
Don’t need you

Not only does this have a catchy as fuck beat, Charli XCX has always pumped out songs that are all about claiming yourself. I just love the line she keeps repeating. I’ve got a body of my own. It’s a melodic, angsty reminder that I’m whole all by myself. I don’t need someone else to create happiness. To feel joy. To grow, learn, succeed.

Life in Pink, Kate Nash

Wish I could let my brain
Decide and stop the pain
I keep heart-shaped glasses close to me
For when it rains (life in pink)
Rip it up and start again

I’m always a sucker for songs that focus on mental health, and Kate Nash really nails it with this one. Not only does she get into the details of how mental illness makes us feel, she even has moments where she talks about not having the energy to clean her room, or take care of herself.

But no matter how bad it can get, she always has those heart-shaped glasses close to her for the good days. It’s a wonderful metaphor for being ready to stay present for those wonderful, magical days where you are so clear and the thoughts aren’t overwhelming.

Have A Nice Life, Murs

Give it time, let it work itself out
Meditate on the better things, never dwell in self-doubt

For the last song I’ll share, I figured it should be a deep one. I was introduced to Murs from an ex-boyfriend, and for so long after we broke up, I didn’t let myself listen to his music because it didn’t feel like it was mine. It felt like it was the dead relationships’ music. But guess what? They don’t own those songs, go ahead and listen to it. 

Sometimes, people tend to stray away from certain shows, music, art or whatever because it has a painful connotation, but there are times when you can push past that and just enjoy it for it is again. I’m so glad I did that with Murs.

He has such a way of speaking to vulnerability that is heartfelt and authentic. I love it. Lately, his new songs have been very mental health focused and it’s wonderful he’s given it a voice. For this song, I love this specific line because his tone feels very introspective, he has been through so much. The line, Give it time let it work itself out, is almost like an affirmation for me.

 

So, there you have it. Those are just a few – okay, maybe a little more than a few – songs that mean something to me. To me, the right lyrics can be transformed into affirmations for me to repeat, practice and act out in daily life. Believe. 

Here’s my full Self-Love Jamz playlist, give it a listen if you’d like:

 

What lyrics really speak to you? Share them in the comments below! 

Post Therapy Thoughts // Time To Trust Myself

Hi, friends. It’s been awhile. Man, I’ve missed you all. It’s been a whirlwind start to 2018, but it certainly hasn’t been what I thought it would be.

I’ve learned – and unlearned – so many important lessons. I got into a new relationship, and recently, things ended with that relationship. I was broken up with again, but this time it was very different.

In the past, when I’ve been broken up with, I react in pure, overwhelming sadness and grief. I’m a sobbing mess. I think it’s all my fault. That I’m the burden causing this surprising end.

This time, I felt anger. Pure, healthy anger. Wanna know why? Because I did absolutely NOTHING wrong. I was blindsided, and it wasn’t anything I could have done. He wasn’t ready to be in a mature, grown up relationship with someone else, so he skipped out. It’s as simple as that.

As I described to my therapist the night of my breakup, she became more and more proud of me. I’m not used to being direct or confronting my anger, so this was a giant step forward for me. 

I realized, I’m proud of me too. I’m proud that I didn’t automatically think it was my fault, or that I’m such a burden for having my insecurities or anxiety.

We then unpacked my intuition. Normally, I get a sense when things aren’t going how they usually do. Since I’m an empath, I can get effected by the smallest shifts in emotional behavior. Sometimes, these shifts are so tiny, the people themselves might not even know they are doing them.

But, time and time again – I feel them. Loud and clear. So, when I sensed them in my now ex-boyfriend, I asked him if something was wrong. He kissed my hand, and said everything was fine. This is where my anger started. 

Since I was told everything was fine on that front, I took the “this is my anxiety” path. The one where I go to therapy and unpack why I’m picking at my seemingly fine relationship. I told my ex boyfriend this as well, so he listened as I explained to him my anxiety with this, and let me be misguided. Let me stay anxious about something that was to become my reality. I don’t deserve that. From now on, I need to trust those instincts and let them lead my decisions.

I was disrespected by him, and that’s where the next key point comes in. This is now the third time I’ve been broken up with, and it’s never easy. Yes, I’ll freely admit that I’m always the one being broken up with, but it’s because I put up with a lot of bullshit from my partners.

I’ve recently come to the realization that, in my past, I’ve dated people with addictive behaviors. People that consistently prioritize their addictive behavior before me, and as a result, they are emotionally immature.

When this third breakup happened, I was pissed but when I finally called my friend to tell her, I started crying and said, “Why won’t anyone stay?” 

I told my therapist this and her reply was,

“It’s time to stop thinking no one will stay, and start picking the people who are capable of the long haul.”

Because she’s right. I’ve been settling and tolerating a good deal of bullshit because – in the end – I’m afraid they will leave. And honestly, I have that fear because it happens, and it happened in my childhood. All men did was leave.

But, the time for tolerating is over. The time where I thought I didn’t deserve a higher quality in men is cancelled.

Based on this extremely empowering and productive therapy session, here are my new affirmations:

I am worthy of my own trust.

I do not have to tolerate disrespect or something I am not comfortable with in any relationship – I deserve better.

I am loving and worthy of unconditional love.

 

No more forgiving because I’m afraid they will leave. Let them leave. If they don’t want to stay, they aren’t meant for me in the first place. I deserve someone authentic, kind and willing to put in the work for the long haul. Nothing less.

 

What lessons have you learned from a breakup? Share your story in the comments below!